The Quack Doctor

The following is from a spoof quack handbill published in 1676 as part of a pamphlet called The Character of a quack doctor, or, The Abusive practices of impudent illiterate pretenders to physick exposed. Spelling and punctuation are as originally printed.

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EXIMIO PRAEDICO;
OR
A Thousand Infallible Cures

At the Golden Ball in Fop-Ally next dore to the flying Hedghog in New-Alsasia, Lives the Paraselsus of this age, by name Seignior Doloso Effrontero, Native of Arabia Deserta, natural Son of the wonder-working Chimest Doctor lately deceased at the Devils Arse a Peak in Silesia, and famous throughout Europe, Asia, Afrique and America, from the oriental exaltation of Titan, to his occidental Declination.

Who in pitty to his own dear self and Languishing mortals, has by the earnest prayers and solicitations of divers Princes, Lords, and other honourable Personages, been prevaild with to oblige the World with this notice, that all persons Young or Old, or Deaf or Lame, or Blind or Dumb, may know whither to repair for present Cure, in all Cephalalgia’s, Paralytical Paroxismes, Odontalgia’s, Apoplexia’s, Peripneumonia’s, Empyema’s, Palpitations of the Pericardium, Syncope’s, Nanseitie’s arising either from a Plethory or a Cacochymy, Disenteria’s, Iliacal passions, the Scurvies, Exanthemata; the Hog-Pox, the Hen-Pox, the Small-Pox, the Whores Pox, or the Devils-Pox, the Ascites, Tympanites, or Anasarca, Ichorical effusions, Rhumatismes, Phlegmons, Erysepalus’s Herpes, Impetigo’s, Tentigo’s, Scabs, Scaldheads, Warts, Corns, and all other Diseases, Griefs, Wounds, Fractures, Dislocations, Confusions, Dolors, Aches, Defects, Pains, Distempers and Discrasies of Nature, whether external or Internal, acute or Chronick, Curable or Incurable.

His Medicines are the Quintessence of Pharmapeutical Energy, and the Cures he has done, are above the Art of the whole World.

Imprimis, he has a wonderful, Universal unheard of, never-failing Hypnotical, Cordiacal, Cephalical, Hepatical, Anodynous, Odoriferous, Carminative, Renovative, Styptical, and Coroborating Balsome of Balsomes, (made of Dead mens fat, Rosin and Goose grease,) that infallibly restores lost Maidenheads, raises demolisht Noses, and by its abstersive Cosmetick quality, preserves super-animated Bawds from Wrinkles; he has the true Catharmaphora of Hermes Tresmegistus, an Incomparable spagyrical tincture of the Moons Hornes, the most soveraign  Alexipharmacum in the world against the contagion of Cuckoldry; he has the Pantimagogon of the Triple Kingdome that works seaven several ways, and is seaven years a preparing, being at last exactly compleated, secundum Artem, by Fermentation, Putrifaction, Distillation; Rectification, Cohobation, Circulation, Calimation, sublimation, solution, Precipitation, Coagulation, Filtration, and Quidlibetification, both in Balneo Mariae, the Crusible, and the Fixatory, the Athanor, the Cucurbita, and the Reverberatory, this is Natures Palladium, Healths Magazine, A dram of it is worth a Bushel of March Dust, if any person happen to have his Brains beat out, or his Head Chopt off, two drops seasonably applyed shall recall the Fleeting Spirits, re-inthrone the deposed Archeus, cement the discontinuity of the parts, and in six minutes restore the Lifeless Trunk to its pristin vigour, in all its functions, vital, natural and Animal; he has an excellent Antipudengragrian specifick, (the choicest jewel amongst Venus’s Regalia, which perfectly cures the French Pox with all its noble train of Bubo’s, Gonorrhaea’s and shankers, with as much pleasure as the same can be contracted, so that it would tempt any man of sence to get that modish Disease (if it may be procured for Love or Mony, once a Fortnight, to enjoy the repeated delight of so divertising a Remedy.

A brief interlude from the usual style of post today, as I’m still attempting to erase the Yankee Rubber Baby from my brain. The following letter was printed in The Monthly Gazette of Health in June 1821. A surgeon, not the most modest fellow in the world, gives an explanation for quackery – it’s all the fault of tightwad patients…

I am in practice as a consulting surgeon, and admire the spirit with which you lash quackery, both regular and irregular; but you must allow me to shew that patients themselves are the cause of Empiricism, as I think I shall convince you and your readers, by the following instances.

I have attained considerable celebrity, and in some particular complaints, can justify my pretensions to a niche in the Temple of Fame, by affording instant and permanent relief. This I feel great pride and pleasure in performing, whenever such cases occur. One, amongst many, was a gentleman, who came from the West Indies on purpose for my advice, called on me in his carriage, was cured on his second visit, and paid me, with abundance of compliments, a fee, which of course I could not look at till he had departed, when I found it was ОNЕ POUND!

Another, a very old gentleman, who was relieved in the same speedy manner, and was equally LIBERAL! but probably, he means to remember me in his will.

I could give you many instances where my conduct has been thus honourable, although I might have kept these patients under my care for months, and then have cured them; yet so inconsiderate, and I will even say dishonourable has been their conduct. I do not mean to assert that I am more honourable than all other professional men, for I hear the same tale from many who have ability to relieve, but who, like me, have thus suffered for their generous behaviour. Men of no principle in the profession will guard against their patients’ parsimony; and those of no ability will of necessity oblige their patients to be visited frequently; but I would wish to ask you and your readers, whether the treatment I have described, and which professional men are often subjected to, does not hold out an incentive to quackery and imposition? I certainly think that a person of fortune, receiving speedy and permanent relief from a distressing complaint, at the hands of a man who has devoted a large portion of his life, and considerable expence, to acquire competent abilities, should offer a reward proportionate to the benefit the patient derives; and if this plan were more generally adopted, empiricism would receive its death-wound. I am, Sirs, Yours, &c.

AN OLD SURGEON.